Thursday, February 4, 2010

I'm Jealous

Although I'm ashamed to admit it, I am jealous of my sister-in-law. As I was sitting in her hospital room on Monday, holding her 24 hour-old son, I was jealous. It seemed not to matter that I have been blessed to experience the most amazing moments of my life giving birth to my children not one, not two, but four times. It seemed not to matter that I intentionally and permanently made it impossible for me to have more children. It seemed not to matter that I am stressed, busy, frustrated, and often times overwhelmed every day of my life caring for the children I already have. All of that faded away as I held and instantly loved that tiny, tiny boy. (sidenote: I find it amazing that now matter how many children you have, you forget how truly small they are when they are first born). I am jealous that she is, right now at this very moment, experiencing the first week of a new child, nursing him and getting to know him. And I feel sad that I will never be pregnant again, never be in the hospital again with my newborn, never get to bring a new baby home for the first time. I know, I know for a fact that I do not want to have any more children. I would not have taken drastic and final measures to prevent future pregnancies if I wasn't sure. But I still feel the loss.

On a lighter note, here is Maddie eating refried black beans. Looking back, it seems like a disproportionately large number of posts have been about Maddie eating something. Look, folks, that's what she does So if she is pictured here, or talked about here, she's going to be eating!


  1. You're allowed to be's part of life. She's adorable (as usual)!

  2. Thank you so much for posting this. I will never say never on having another child, though I feel in my heart that I am done (and hubby says over his dead body.) I have, however, the same feelings that you do.

    And I have yet to actually do it, but I suspect that if I added up the amount of time I spend feeding my children on any given day, I would find that it is at least 2/3 of my day.